how difficult is it?

there is an overall lack of a few things in my world: a genuine "sorry" and "thank you."

sorry is WAAY overused, and rarely genuine. i am the first to apologize or admit screwing up. it isn't that hard. it is so true that crow is much easier to eat warm. why can't people understand this? if you fuck up, cop to it. people are more likely to forget you messed up if you apologize afterward, and extremely likely to remember if you pretend it wasn't your fault and go on behaving that way.

also, i make a point of listening for "thank you." it's used sarcastically, for god's sake. why can't people use it when the situation calls for it?

one of my cosmetology professors talked to me after i went home for christmas vacation a year and a half ago. i told her that i ended up doing 4 haircuts and a color. her next question: how much did you make? of course, i didn't make anything. i didn't charge anything because they were family, i said. how can you charge family? i didn't pay for anything except for color, so i didn't lose money.

she got very serious, even angry, and sat me down.

she explained that even a haircut is valuable. granted, nothing is used aside from water and minimal product. it dulls scissors a bit, and sharpening isn't cheap. but her stance was that my time is valuable. my time is worth money. everyone should be charged something, she said. once i don't charge people the first time, they expect free services from then on. and next thing you know, i'm taking hours of my time each month giving people free services. she said that she has NEVER given family free service, with one exception: her mom. she doesn't charge her family or friends full price, but she does charge them. she didn't spend years in school and pay lots in tuition to offer everyone she knows lifetime beauty service for nothing. she said, "it's fine while you're in school. but after you graduate, you will charge people. i don't care who they are."

this is tough for me. i'm the first to want to do nice things for people, and i have a hard time explaining how valuable an hour out of my day is to provide someone with something they would be paying for otherwise.

and then when i end up giving a close friend a free haircut, or facial, pedicure, ANYTHING, i rarely get a "thank you." or even an "i owe you one." the things i get told i will get in return are never given. and these people will come back to me and expect my services again.

how do i put a stop to this? how do i jeopardize friendships by explaining that i no longer provide free services without payment or something comparable?

if i use her rule for free service, the only people i owe service to are my parents, and sunny and dave, for housing me for two years while i went to school. ironically, those four people would offer, and often insist, to give me money.

money is nice, since i'm in the negative every month. but appreciation and/or recognition is paramount to me. yet people can't find the courtesy to do even that.

maybe i'll offer people free haircuts.. of my choice. mullet anyone?

the big yellow envelope

yesterday sucked.

i left work and i was so ready to go home and sleep (which i did.) but when i got home, i had a yellow envelope sitting in front of my door.

shortly after writing my energy drink trials, i was persuing the glaceau website (as you'll recall, vitamin energy was the clear winner. vitamin water rules also.) anyway, as i was surfing through their site and saw a comments form. naturally, i left them some.

i briefly told them about my blog post, and how i thought monster tasted like mule piss. and i wrote some other stuff i wish i would've written down or remembered. and i never thought another thing about it.

in this yellow envelope was a letter from jamie at glaceau, which thanked me for taking time to comment on their products. and also explained that monthly, their ceo darius takes a few of the letters received and reads them to the employees aloud in the parking lot during a company luau. they enjoyed my letter, they said, and they sent me a vitamin water ballcap for my feedback.

now, this goes to prove my point, people: i am awesome. and i'm funny. and people appreciate me.

oh, and it also proves that glaceau is a fantastic beverage - i cannot do without it (i'm drinking a multi-v right now.) i'm going to see if i can get my landlord to alter my kitchen tap to see if it will dispense a different flavor each month. i'm not counting on it. he hasn't replaced our carpets since 1968.

gay pride

in other news, the bar across the street from my house is hosting gay pride weekend, which happens to be THIS weekend, as in, the one we're in. there's no parking, so if you leave the house, you can't come back for two days. and when you're there, you have to contend with the "super gay" and their fag hag friends (no offense to either, i was a total fag hag in college) walking by your window drunk at all hours. jealous?

needless to say i'm not at home.

oh, and i'm not at sunny's house. i'm actually at some penthouse in downtown with three of san diego's hottest most eligible billionaire bachelors. truth be told, their neediness is really getting on my nerves. i'm headed back home soon. wish me luck. blog to follow later today. (two blogs in one day? nuh-uh!!)

lately..

my interaction with humankind lately has completely ruined my faith in people.

it seems every time i turn around, i meet people who don't follow through with promises, who lie about who and what they are, and who spend immense amounts of time trying to fool others into believing they are kind, and just, and good.

it makes it hard to trust anyone. i'm not perfect. not even close. sometimes i try to keep people from seeing facets of my personality because of how they might react or what they might think of me, though i certainly don't masquerade as someone i am not. and sometimes i don't do what i tell people (or myself) that i will do, but it's typically met with good reason, and those moments are few and far between.

but i'm not a liar, or a cheat, or hateful. and while i'm as faulted as the next guy, i'm not afraid of who i am, even though i don't always like myself. i wouldn't be false, or evasive. and i would certainly never do anything to intentionally hurt anyone.

am i wrong for expecting most of the rest of the world to be this way too?

i'm extremely blessed with wonderful friends, and they have all the qualities of people i trust, and truly admire. they wouldn't be my friends otherwise. but it's lead me to expect most other people in the world will be just as good. and, sadly, i'm finding that not to be the case.

i don't want to be skeptical of people's intergrity or motivations. i don't want to constantly wonder if i'm being lied to or deceived. i don't want to question my trust in people (which i give out far too frequently). and i worry that the more people i meet, the less good i will find in the universe.

am i naive? probably. am i too easily disappointed because i want people to be really, truly good and selfless? for certain. will i continue to behave this way, despite the ugliness i find? unfortunately, yes.

i have more than expected to become callus and bitter (a big part of me wants to, actually), but i don't think i'm capable of that.

the worst part seems to be that i often blame myself for the way people treat me. if i would have done this better, or said this, or been this, or thought of this, it would have turned out differently. i would have been treated better if i didn't do whatever it was i fucked up. if only i could think of what it was! let's give it a few more hours of thought!

what a ridiculous task it is to dissect past actions and pretend that if you scour it over enough, that somehow history would be altered, or you'd find this huge epiphany about what it was you must have done wrong, and then get that part of you fixed. or better yet, amputated.

i'm fucked up, nobody with a high-ranking degree needs to tell me that. i'm guilt ridden, trusting to a fault, filled with self-loathing, and i criticize myself into pieces. i think with my heart and not my head (though i would probably try to convince you otherwise) and i am too damned sensitive for my own good.

fortunately, i'm wickedly funny and charming, and easily distracted enough to forget all of those things, if only temporarily.

speaking of which, i'm going to watch that dance revolution video again..

blogettes

sorry. i owe like a gagillion long blogs. and what the hell ever happened to "conversations i actually had?" i'm an ass.

one note for today.

with strides in technology, it's almost impossible to identify crazy people on the street anymore. are they talking to themselves, or are they on their bluetooth micro-headset ranting to coworkers? crazy people should be tattooed so they are easily identifiable. oh wait, we already are.

felines..

amanda and i are co-authoring a book about animals. we gathered research today, and came up with some really good information. it's going to be called:

"how to shave a cat in 43 easy steps."

anyway, now not only do we have a 20-year-old blind ass cat, we have a 20-year-old blind ass cat with a mohawk. incidentally, we are available for mobile pet grooming. rates vary upon size, time spent, and temperment (the animal's and ours).

i'm filthy, sweaty, tired, and i have fur in my bra. i am now going to sit back, relax, and fantasize about not washing my dishes..

call me a bitch..

BUT..

i was driving home today, and i saw a disheveled looking man standing on the offramp from the 5 to washington st. he held up a tattered cardboard sign that read, "disabled vet, wife pregnant, need help."

now, i could be wrong, but you're not very fucking disabled if you managed to get your spouse knocked up. quit panhandling and get a goddamn job already..