Tuesday, November 29, 2005

scar tissue

I stretched my ears about 6 years ago. It hurt me more than any tattoo I have on my body. My ears are at a zero gauge, and at the most, I would go up one more size to a double zero. All of the people (men, actually) that I've talked to about stretching ears insist that it didn't hurt them like it hurt me. Each time it felt like someone was holding a lit match to the tendon that runs from behind my earlobe down my neck.

My only conclusion, aside from the obvious (that men are fucking liars) is scar tissue.

I pierced my ears at the mall when I was ten, and these guys had their ears stretched right after they were pierced for the first time. Maybe scar tissue is more tender than normal skin... Which leads me to believe that your first heartbreak hurts, but not nearly as much as the second, or fifth.

I think once the heart is covered in repaired tissue, it hurts that much more when it's torn. Wouldn't you think it would hurt less? Like calloused hands? When people get hurt, they tend to do one of two things. Either they receed into themselves and become less apt to be hurt again, never putting themselves out there anymore, or, like a stupid dog, they keep doing the same old things and wonder why they keep getting kicked. They never learn. I am one of these dogs. No amount of kicking changes my behavior. And I hate that I put myself out there again and again and expect a different outcome. It's not smart, but it's how I am, and no amount of pain will change that.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

employee of internet porn

I got a job offer this week. A seemingly hot girl from France (if her photo is actually her *coughcough*) approached me on Yahoo about doing an internet chat site with men from around the world. She had seen my new little toy, the international symbol that you're a geek (IE webcam) and suggested that I look into the idea. Of course, I abhorred the idea right off the bat. And then i sat for a while and truly thought about it, mostly because the idea of doing it made me uncomfortable. I tried to think of what inside me made me uneasy at the idea of internet video sex chat. Did i truly think it was against my morals? Is it because that's what i learned from my parents was wrong? Is it because i'm afraid someone I know would find out? It is because that sort of thing is taboo, and it's not what a "good girl" would do? First of all, it's safe sex. And second, I never have to see any of these people. The site promised to black out all countries I didn't want seeing me, the US being the first and foremost. And i also entertained the thought because i wanted to get to the bottom of this uncomfort thing. Also, it would pay me two dollars a minute, which for those of you who are math illiterate, works out to $120 an hour. Are you fucking kidding me?

So, I haven't come up with anything. I'm not going to do it. One of the many reasons being that I think my self esteem would plummet in direct proportion to my bank account fattening. I know most of my friends would be shocked, disappointed, and/or disturbed if i did it and they actually found out. But the biggest bullshit realization I had was that most men I know would do it in ten flat, and not think twice. And do you think anyone would be disappointed in them? Um, riiight....

Thursday, November 17, 2005

the body war

if your body is like mine, my individual body parts don't get usually along with one another. my head and my heart, for instance. my mouth and my stomach, my brain and my muscles, etc etc. but today i learned something, and i would like to share it with you, as i do most times i come up with something that i find that people could benefit from.

i have been sick for three days. today is the first day i found myself to be able to sit upright for any length of time. i've eaten some chicken broth and had gatorade since monday night. but today, i was feeling better. not GOOD, mind you, but better. and so i woke up and started thinking of food for the first time in days. do you know how when you're sick, you have cravings? your mind gets fixated on one thing, and you have to have that one thing or nothing at all? well, my food deprived body wanted nothing other than taco bell. so much so that the craving willed me out of my bed and into my car (as i have nobody in my house to sucker into going for me) and to the drive thru. my mouth and my mind were jointly convinced that this is what i needed to make me better. they both ganged up on the rest of my body and shoved it out the door to go find nachos bellgrande.

my body learned that it shouldn't always listen to the mind or the mouth, and also that a stomach that's been empty for two days SHOULD NOT eat taco bell. if it does, then the stomach will get mad, and then the rest of the body will suffer, as that is how the stomach punishes the other body parts for being retarded. except, of course, for the typing fingers, which can formulate a blog to educate friends on things they should avoid.

let's recap the tips i have shared (or should have shared at some point), shall we?

1. no taco bell, well, let's say EVER. exceptions to this are when you're drunk and there is no jack in the box within a 60 mile radius

2. don't send money or account numbers to anybody in nigeria, not matter what they tell you they have for you

3. when dating someone younger than you, follow "the equation". take your age, divide it in half, and add seven. that is the lowest age you are socially allowed to date. *coughmarykayletourneaucough*

4. when in a foreign country, stick with the native menu no matter how bored of it you get. or you may end up like me, eating dog on a bun, with mayonaise.

5. if stuck eating dog, drink plenty of alcoholic fluids

6. when partying, scope out the bathroom while you are sober. if you couldn't envision yourself laying on the bathroom floor for a few hours with toilet paper as your pillow/blanky because of the temperature/cleanliness/accessibility factor, rethink your next glass of wine

7. don't wear flip flops to a ministry show

8. don't take nyquil before a job interview

9. "improved taste" means "it doesn't suck quite as bad as the first one did"

10. never EVER take advice from a redhead