Thursday, November 17, 2005

the body war

if your body is like mine, my individual body parts don't get usually along with one another. my head and my heart, for instance. my mouth and my stomach, my brain and my muscles, etc etc. but today i learned something, and i would like to share it with you, as i do most times i come up with something that i find that people could benefit from.

i have been sick for three days. today is the first day i found myself to be able to sit upright for any length of time. i've eaten some chicken broth and had gatorade since monday night. but today, i was feeling better. not GOOD, mind you, but better. and so i woke up and started thinking of food for the first time in days. do you know how when you're sick, you have cravings? your mind gets fixated on one thing, and you have to have that one thing or nothing at all? well, my food deprived body wanted nothing other than taco bell. so much so that the craving willed me out of my bed and into my car (as i have nobody in my house to sucker into going for me) and to the drive thru. my mouth and my mind were jointly convinced that this is what i needed to make me better. they both ganged up on the rest of my body and shoved it out the door to go find nachos bellgrande.

my body learned that it shouldn't always listen to the mind or the mouth, and also that a stomach that's been empty for two days SHOULD NOT eat taco bell. if it does, then the stomach will get mad, and then the rest of the body will suffer, as that is how the stomach punishes the other body parts for being retarded. except, of course, for the typing fingers, which can formulate a blog to educate friends on things they should avoid.

let's recap the tips i have shared (or should have shared at some point), shall we?

1. no taco bell, well, let's say EVER. exceptions to this are when you're drunk and there is no jack in the box within a 60 mile radius

2. don't send money or account numbers to anybody in nigeria, not matter what they tell you they have for you

3. when dating someone younger than you, follow "the equation". take your age, divide it in half, and add seven. that is the lowest age you are socially allowed to date. *coughmarykayletourneaucough*

4. when in a foreign country, stick with the native menu no matter how bored of it you get. or you may end up like me, eating dog on a bun, with mayonaise.

5. if stuck eating dog, drink plenty of alcoholic fluids

6. when partying, scope out the bathroom while you are sober. if you couldn't envision yourself laying on the bathroom floor for a few hours with toilet paper as your pillow/blanky because of the temperature/cleanliness/accessibility factor, rethink your next glass of wine

7. don't wear flip flops to a ministry show

8. don't take nyquil before a job interview

9. "improved taste" means "it doesn't suck quite as bad as the first one did"

10. never EVER take advice from a redhead

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