lately..

my interaction with humankind lately has completely ruined my faith in people.

it seems every time i turn around, i meet people who don't follow through with promises, who lie about who and what they are, and who spend immense amounts of time trying to fool others into believing they are kind, and just, and good.

it makes it hard to trust anyone. i'm not perfect. not even close. sometimes i try to keep people from seeing facets of my personality because of how they might react or what they might think of me, though i certainly don't masquerade as someone i am not. and sometimes i don't do what i tell people (or myself) that i will do, but it's typically met with good reason, and those moments are few and far between.

but i'm not a liar, or a cheat, or hateful. and while i'm as faulted as the next guy, i'm not afraid of who i am, even though i don't always like myself. i wouldn't be false, or evasive. and i would certainly never do anything to intentionally hurt anyone.

am i wrong for expecting most of the rest of the world to be this way too?

i'm extremely blessed with wonderful friends, and they have all the qualities of people i trust, and truly admire. they wouldn't be my friends otherwise. but it's lead me to expect most other people in the world will be just as good. and, sadly, i'm finding that not to be the case.

i don't want to be skeptical of people's intergrity or motivations. i don't want to constantly wonder if i'm being lied to or deceived. i don't want to question my trust in people (which i give out far too frequently). and i worry that the more people i meet, the less good i will find in the universe.

am i naive? probably. am i too easily disappointed because i want people to be really, truly good and selfless? for certain. will i continue to behave this way, despite the ugliness i find? unfortunately, yes.

i have more than expected to become callus and bitter (a big part of me wants to, actually), but i don't think i'm capable of that.

the worst part seems to be that i often blame myself for the way people treat me. if i would have done this better, or said this, or been this, or thought of this, it would have turned out differently. i would have been treated better if i didn't do whatever it was i fucked up. if only i could think of what it was! let's give it a few more hours of thought!

what a ridiculous task it is to dissect past actions and pretend that if you scour it over enough, that somehow history would be altered, or you'd find this huge epiphany about what it was you must have done wrong, and then get that part of you fixed. or better yet, amputated.

i'm fucked up, nobody with a high-ranking degree needs to tell me that. i'm guilt ridden, trusting to a fault, filled with self-loathing, and i criticize myself into pieces. i think with my heart and not my head (though i would probably try to convince you otherwise) and i am too damned sensitive for my own good.

fortunately, i'm wickedly funny and charming, and easily distracted enough to forget all of those things, if only temporarily.

speaking of which, i'm going to watch that dance revolution video again..