regrets

if you think about it, there is a girl out there somewhere that watches the verizon commercials, and thinks to herself, “i actually slept with the ‘can you hear me now’ guy.” i imagine more than one woman, actually. how do you think she feels?

does she have nightmares about having sex with him again and hearing him repeat, “can you feel me now? how ‘bout now?” does she drown herself in shame, or experience nausea thinking about it?

i don’t know about guys, but us girls think back on many of our sex partners (or boyfriends) and feel queasy. men may do this, but i’m tempted to think it’s far less common for a man to have those sort of regrets. i could be wrong. it wouldn’t be the first time.

just so you know, i have never had sex with the verizon guy. or the “dude, you’re getting a dell” guy. although often i break into, “i love it, you love it, I GOT IT AT ROSS!“ song. i think it’s hereditary.

my sister and i can sing most any jingle from the 80’s: several mcdonalds songs, the crave cat food song, oscar meyer and armour hot dogs songs, albertsons, red lobster. we knew them all. and sadly we still do. test me.

my mom is the worst.

i clearly recall us standing in mervyns on a visit home a few years ago. it was a busy saturday, and the line behind us was fifteen deep (not to mention the surrounding checkout lines.) despite the amount of people, it was fairly quiet. no overhead music, nobody in line saying anything, silent checkers. and then, clearly and loudly, as she was making out her check, my mom belted, ”COME SEE THE SOFTER SIDE OF SEEEEEEARS!“

very quietly, i leaned into her, ignoring the stares, and said, ”mom, we’re in mervyns.“ to which she bellowed, ”well i don’t KNOW the mervyns song!“

i enjoy it now, but growing up was hard. we were embarrassed to be with our folks anyway, but mine had to sing all the way through the store. and not what was on the overhead speakers, no way. something awkward and lame, and usually something that followed a phrase somebody else had just said.

for example, a simple ”oh“ from a bystander would prompt my mom to sing (as though she were trying out for her own personal american idol), ”OH-OH what a feelin’! when we’re dancing on the ceiling!“ stop in the name of love was another of her favorites. any thing you said that could be a lyrics of a song was off limits, or you wouldn’t hear the end of it until she got tired of the song.

my sister picked up this habit also, but made it all the more annoying by singing while you were trying to talk to her. my mom would yell at her, and she would protest, ”mom, i can sing and listen at the same time!“

i don’t know whether scientists involved in the human genome project have pinpointed this portion of the dna yet, but i’m sure they’re getting close.

if you leave this blog with an awful jingle stuck in your head, whether mine or your own, i have done my job here. however, don’t blame me if you end up having a one-night stand with somebody who stayed in a holiday inn express last night. SO not my fault.

downtown.. not all Petula Clark thought it would be

so, i have this new job. it's in the bustling center of downtown san diego. because of the parking situation (and me being a new employee) i've been forced to take the bus. or pay $20 a day to park SOMEWHERE in the area.

the bus sucks, but it's amazing what an iPod can do for your anxiety level. listening to spoon, and the garden state soundtrack in the morning, and soul coughing and white stripes in the afternoon. it works out. unless you get strange people poking at you trying to get your attention.

i got annoyed my first week because of the variety of smells on the bus. most are not pleasant, but tolerable. most of the time it's the overwhelming stench of liquor, even at 7:30 in the morning. that annoyed me at first, and kind of made me think condescendingly at these people. until i realized, hey! they're riding the BUS. they aren't driving around crashing into shit. who cares how early it is? i might have a VSOP on the bus if i could. as long as i don't get vomited or fallen on, i'm gravy.

i was wandering around for lunch on wednesday, which lets you see all sorts of interesting people of every walk of life. it's like a crazy, in-motion, hurried melting pot. it's great for people watching. it's like the bus, without the claustrophobia or the odors.

i was walking back to my office (which requires a magnetic security card to get into) and my cell phone was up to my ear. often when i see people i know are going to engage me in conversation and i don't want to, i'll feign a phone call to avoid it. i'm lame, i know. you do it too, though. or you will now that you realize how brilliant it is.

i was calling my mom in the hospital, and i was on the second ring, so i was ready to say hello at any time. it's that point in a phone call where a friend trying to talk to you gets that "wait a minute" pointy finger. and as my mom picked up the phone, i walked by a transient in a wheelchair, panhandling. in the instant of silence between the click of her picking up, to her saying "hello", i heard him say, "spare some change? HEY! you're hot!"

my mom had to say "hello" a few times and almost hung up thinking i was a prank call. i was, at once, shocked, amused, and flattered. and then it occurred to me.

that is the first time in a long time that a stranger has complimented me.

perhaps it was a ploy to get me more willing to loosen my pockets (which are empty save for lip gloss and a credit card). or maybe it was sincere. i'll never know. but i'm taking it as genuine. and you can't stop me.

not much else happened this week of much excitement. i was about 100 yards from going to jail when the upstairs neighbor boys decided to have drunken wrestling at 2am (when i had to wake up at 6). their inebriated, stoned, idiot brains would had found their way out of their ears - had i had a bit more energy, and maybe a louisville slugger.

you know? i've never owned an aluminum bat. but i want to go buy one, just so i can threaten people with it.

i cut most of my hair off again yesterday. i sort of look like a cross between cyndi lauper and one of the taylor brothers from duran duran. which reminds me, PLEASE go look up the banned video of girls on film on youtube. i would find the link for you, but if you've been sitting here wasting time for 5 minutes reading my blog (which isn't nearly as entertaining as the ones from days of yore) then surely you can go google it your damnselves. holy lord, it's hot. for the 80's. i mean, it's no "smack my bitch up" kind of banned. but not much is.

my beloved girl aislinn is leaving for ireland very soon. tonight is probably the last time i get to see her for awhile, if i even can tonight. it's funny how someone can be on the fringes of your life for years, drifting in and out on the surface of your life. and just when you are beginning to get to know them, and find your commonalities, and really enjoy looking forward to hanging out with them, it's time for someone to leave. she religiously reads my blogs, and is actually entertained by them (even the sucky ones.) she is beautiful, and kind, and complicated, and i adore her. she's been a big part of my life the last month, and it's refreshing to know that you're not alone in your inner battles. there's always someone out there who knows what you're going through, or what you've been through, or what you're going to go through. and it's incredible stroke of luck if we are able to find them.

i've always thought that a person is the sum of everyone they've ever let into their lives. people meet friends, and lovers, and all those in-betweens, and we take a part of each of them - their personalities, habits, idiosyncrasies - and they take a part of us. so in meeting new people, it changes you forever, if only slightly. and in that way i am changed by her. but also in a way that not many people have ever changed me. and i don't know if i could tell you why, or when the change happened. but i know i can count on one hand when it's happened to me before.

so, i feel good. and lousy. and tired. overworked, ambivalent, nostalgic. mostly good, though.

have a fantastic weekend. eat a twinkie. you can't go wrong with hostess..

disillusionment

you know those couples that are made for each other? the ones who are so adorable together that you want to strangle them? they have been together forever, and you see them and think, why the hell can't i have that?

and then you find out they aren't so perfect. one's been cheating on the other with someone close to both people involved, and they have issues and sadness just like the rest of us.

guess nobody's perfect. except zach braff. (i changed my atm pin, fyi..)

speaking of, go out and buy the garden state soundtrack. NOW. DO IT NOW. it's so good. especially when you have a new job downtown that you can't afford to buy parking for, so you have to ride the city bus (which scares the bejeesus out of you). it's a perfect, scary public transport ipod cd. joshua radin's winter - are you effing kidding me right now? and zero seven? holy god, i freaking love it.

anyway, it's sunday and i've been up for a while. i was sitting awake in bed thinking, you know, i should really get up. it's got to be like 11:30.

it was 8am.

i'm off to do something. i'll start with a shower and see how it goes from there. i may get crazy and go back to bed, or go eat lunch by myself at a fancy restaurant. or maybe i'll fill up my car with gas and not stop at the "click". i live on the edge, i know.

a conversation i actually had:

me: so, who's the team with the lightning bolts?
dg: ..uh, that's the chargers, sharon. that's us.
me: oh. really? i thought we were the C's.
dg: uh, no... no, that's chicago.
me: oh.... hey dave? don't tell anybody, kay?

reinvention

i am continuing to undo the in-shapeness i worked on before colorado. that ends today. also ending today are the poor choices of men i choose to hang out with, being intoxicated to the point of losing two of my most (emotionally) valued items, and the general shabbiness in which i have run my life.

it doesn't take einstein to make me realize that the former of the previous three is a direct cause of the second, and number three logically follows. it's a mess. i'm a mess. i spent the last few days with no drinking (save for two drinks during football with dave) and alone self time. i also watched blake snake moan, which wasn't what i was expecting, but was oddly parallel to my life. not nearly as dramatic or severe, but similar.

i feel different. better too, but mostly just different. i realized yesterday that going through things in my mind is a lot like the method of cleaning my room.

when i make up my mind to clean, i see the big picture. i look at my room, and i generalize tasks. i have to do laundry, vacuum, pick up things and put them back where they go, etc etc. the problem is that i get sidetracked into mini-tasks, which then turn into micro-tasks.

an example in my head is this: i find a book on the floor. i pick it up to put the book on the bookshelf, and then notice the books are out of order or disorganized for whatever reason. so i put aside the larger task of cleaning my room for the moment, and pull things off the bookshelf to reorganize that - mini project. once most of the books are in a pile on my lap and the floor and i'm just about to get started, i find a box of photos on one of the shelves. i look inside and see that they are all haphazard and in no order whatsoever. i decide that i need to organize the photos according to subject, and then maybe make little name tabs for them to keep them neat and in place. of course, i can't set this aside to do later, because i'm in the moment and the only way it will get done is to do it now. that's how i operate.

now, not only have i abandoned my original task of cleaning my room to the ultra-micro task of ordering pictures, my room is more of a disaster than it was due to the contents of the bookshelf being strewn about the now catastrophic living space .

i do this every single time. and cleaning takes way longer than it should because of the side projects i create for myself. but in the end, i feel like i've simplified my life, and my brain feels a little less cluttered. in fact, i clean when i'm grouchy or sad or emotional, and the brain clutter goes away, but it also gives me time to think. not that i need more of that, but bleh.

i noticed yesterday that my emotional healing process is handled much the same way. but it's on a way larger scale, and there's clutter going back more than three decades. in other words, this cleanup job is not handled in an afternoon, or even a weekend. it's not even confined to the spring cleaning season.

i will think about something that's bothering me. i will typically associate this thing with something else in my life from the past that's similar, and also bothering me somewhere in the back of my mind. and that will usually take me back through a chain of events that are deep in my brain. and each of them takes a long time to sort, if they can be sorted at all. if my brain cleanup was represented on a linear scale, it would probably look like a globe sized leaf, with lines branching off tens of thousands of times so that i can't remember where to backtrack to once i get done with something.

i'm a bright girl, but i somehow fall into the same hole too much. i realize that i do it. i know the hole is there, and as i walk up to it, i want to step over it, but i can't stop myself. one foot goes down and doesn't connect to earth, and i'm back where i was, at the bottom and cursing myself as i did the times before that.

so i've stopped walking. i can't resist the hole, and something tells me if i start out walking a different direction, they'll be holes that way also. so for now, i intend to lay down where i'm standing and look at things from that perspective for a while. the things i thought were important to me aren't. if they were, they would make me feel better. and they don't. so until i figure out a way to step over, or walk around those holes, i won't go anywhere. i'm not sure where i was headed to begin with. what makes me think that over there is better than here? i guess there looks cool from here, but things tend to look better the farther you are away from them.

one thing i did this week that was a nice catalyst for this needed change was watch 'the prestige.' i enjoy my thoughts a lot when i get wrapped up in a movie that i'm moved by and think about for days afterward. my mind gets to toss around another flavor for a change instead of what it's used to. i should watch good movies more often. or read good books. i like being in my own head when something moves me. it reminds me there's more to think about.

i realize you guys enjoyed the internet date stories, but those are gone. they were depressing, and didn't make me feel any better or any more social. i think most of those people are stuck in the same place in their heads, and in life, and from experience, it's not a fun place to play.

shortly after making my exit from the cyber date world (which was a few weeks ago, actually) i second-thought it. and when i was in colorado, i was reading the news. evidently 35% of people on dating sites are actually married. i run into enough people who masquerade as single, or kind, i don't need to mine for more.

anyway, this change is good. pleasant things are coming my way. it's the perfect time of year for change on a number of different levels. the weather changes, my age officially changes - autumn cleaning doesn't have quite the same ring to it. but i'm okay with that.

and now, back to the show

i'm back, and it feels really really good. i spent the day unpacking and cleaning, followed by evening swimming and dinner with friends. i'm exhausted, and when people have asked me how i am, i can't come up with an answer. i feel good, but something else too that i can't quite place.

job hunting starts tomorrow.

colorado was nice, but i'm glad to be here. for the first time, san diego feels like home.

thank you to the sarge for acting as my personal driver, entertainer, and concierge. and thank you to aaron, frosty, and jennifer for the entertainment. i have totally undone the last three weeks of working out in one weeklong vacation, thanks to my mom's love of red losbter and ore house filet at the mustang. it was worth every second. and superparty (not that he reads my blog) for the whodunnit, which i am still dreaming of, thank you very much.

anyway, time to wind down. i am going to bed early and sleeping really late.