Sunday, September 30, 2007


if you think about it, there is a girl out there somewhere that watches the verizon commercials, and thinks to herself, “i actually slept with the ‘can you hear me now’ guy.” i imagine more than one woman, actually. how do you think she feels?

does she have nightmares about having sex with him again and hearing him repeat, “can you feel me now? how ‘bout now?” does she drown herself in shame, or experience nausea thinking about it?

i don’t know about guys, but us girls think back on many of our sex partners (or boyfriends) and feel queasy. men may do this, but i’m tempted to think it’s far less common for a man to have those sort of regrets. i could be wrong. it wouldn’t be the first time.

just so you know, i have never had sex with the verizon guy. or the “dude, you’re getting a dell” guy. although often i break into, “i love it, you love it, I GOT IT AT ROSS!“ song. i think it’s hereditary.

my sister and i can sing most any jingle from the 80’s: several mcdonalds songs, the crave cat food song, oscar meyer and armour hot dogs songs, albertsons, red lobster. we knew them all. and sadly we still do. test me.

my mom is the worst.

i clearly recall us standing in mervyns on a visit home a few years ago. it was a busy saturday, and the line behind us was fifteen deep (not to mention the surrounding checkout lines.) despite the amount of people, it was fairly quiet. no overhead music, nobody in line saying anything, silent checkers. and then, clearly and loudly, as she was making out her check, my mom belted, ”COME SEE THE SOFTER SIDE OF SEEEEEEARS!“

very quietly, i leaned into her, ignoring the stares, and said, ”mom, we’re in mervyns.“ to which she bellowed, ”well i don’t KNOW the mervyns song!“

i enjoy it now, but growing up was hard. we were embarrassed to be with our folks anyway, but mine had to sing all the way through the store. and not what was on the overhead speakers, no way. something awkward and lame, and usually something that followed a phrase somebody else had just said.

for example, a simple ”oh“ from a bystander would prompt my mom to sing (as though she were trying out for her own personal american idol), ”OH-OH what a feelin’! when we’re dancing on the ceiling!“ stop in the name of love was another of her favorites. any thing you said that could be a lyrics of a song was off limits, or you wouldn’t hear the end of it until she got tired of the song.

my sister picked up this habit also, but made it all the more annoying by singing while you were trying to talk to her. my mom would yell at her, and she would protest, ”mom, i can sing and listen at the same time!“

i don’t know whether scientists involved in the human genome project have pinpointed this portion of the dna yet, but i’m sure they’re getting close.

if you leave this blog with an awful jingle stuck in your head, whether mine or your own, i have done my job here. however, don’t blame me if you end up having a one-night stand with somebody who stayed in a holiday inn express last night. SO not my fault.

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