Saturday, June 23, 2007

Official Energy Drink Trial Results

as some of you know, i weaned myself off of caffeine for about 3 months, only to fall off the wagon HARD by attempting to drink every energy drink made on earth.

i've been criticized by many of you for not being strong enough to keep myself off of the hard stuff, as well as for using these "trials" as an excuse to continue my addiction. furthermore a few of you *coughsunnycough* tried to sit me down for an "intervention."

i want you to know that i didn't want to do this. i was against it from the beginning. i underwent these trials not for my own benefit, but for the benefit of YOU, my reader. how could i live with myself if i knew that somewhere, in the cooler section of a 7-11, that the selection of beverages was so overwhelming that many of you might walk out without buying anything. and subsequently not be as productive as you could have been if only you had enough energy. and then, you look at your life of ill-productivity and get violently depressed and, in a late-night tragedy, your car careens off a cliff because your body lacked the essential nutrient of caffeine to keep you on the road.

and really, i cannot in good conscience, do that to you, your family and your friends. so be fucking grateful, already, you selfish sons o' bitches:

first off, the losers (sounds like my love life, but i digress)-

MONSTER -- this drink is god-awful. i don't give a shit how many colors of cans they have, green, blue.. they ALL suck. the m-80 and all the other "versions" they have are all about as consumable as creamed corn that has been sitting in a marathon runner's adidas. i'd sooner drink my own urine. if you want to drink a shitty energy drink in a big-ass can, you'd be better off drinking a rockstar. that company should pay YOU to drink their product. i give this a -20pts

RED BULL -- the first energy drink on the market, so that gets it points automatically (jolt does not count, people.) it took an acquired taste, and still tastes like some medicine they had when we were kids that i can't put my finger on. the sugar-free version isn't bad, but the original isn't much better. still, it's the company that started everything. they've even started selling them in the bigger cans. big points for being the pioneer in their field. score of +6pts

ROCKSTAR (the black and white cans) -- when rockstar came out, the black can was their first product. the white can followed shortly thereafter as their sugar free version. when i said before that i would rather drink rockstar before monster, that was a total lie. this beverage sucks equally as bad as monster if not worse. mix up some olive oil with cologne and put it on ice before even thinking about having a rockstar. i don't give a shit if you're dying of thirst in the desert. i take death first. they get negative points for stealing and defiling the brand name of a kick-ass video game company, not to mention hard-rockers everywhere. -40pts

UNBOUND -- this low-carb drink was new to me, so i gave it a whirl. it has that same acrid, artificial energy drink taste as most of the others, but also has a tangy-ness to it that i couldn't quite describe. i gave it to my friend stacey, whose comments were, "this shit tastes like cough syrup, a couple of fruits, and some pine sol." as of this publication, i have no idea how well this drink can clean and disinfect. -12pts

ACE -- this one has pretty rad packaging, with a WWII, pinup chick on the can. not bad. at least it comes with eye candy. 0pts

AMP -- this product of the mtn dew company (pepsi, inc) was recommended to me by a friend Kevin, who insisted i add it into my trials as it was his personal favorite. until this point, i was incredibly trusting of him and happily shelled out a dollar seventy to try it. to try and put it into perspective, go to 7-11 and buy a big gulp of mtn dew with lots of ice, let it sit in your hot car for 4 days, open it up, throw a handful of gravel in there, and drink away. they took all the amazing qualities of mtn dew and threw them the fuck out the window. no carbonation, extremely watered down (or "wooahtered" down if you're kevin and from philly), and tastes worse than the bongwater in the carpet of my upstairs neigbors. studies have shown amp also causes bowel obstruction and impotence. thanks, kev, you're a true pal. -378,012pts

WHO'S YOUR DADDY -- there are two flavors of this one, sugar free cranberry/pineapple and not sugar free something else. i haven't even tried the second one yet because the first one RULES. it's super awesome, and people i have turned on to it agree. it's in a red white and blue can, so toby keith would even feel pride drinking it while driving around in his ford grumbling about the dixie chicks. +350pts

ENVIGA -- made by nestea, this one was the winner for a long time. it comes in berry, peach and green tea (though they all have green tea in them.) the first two are very good, the plain green tea not so much. also they do not have a sugar free version, and after you drink about 30, all you can taste is the green tea because it eats away your tastes buds ability to pick up any or the peach and berry flavors after a while. on the upside, this gives you energy AND burns calories. green tea lovers, unite. +12pts

SOBE "no fear" -- the sugar free version tastes exactly like the sugared version, and they are both absolutely forgettable. skip this and just have a regular sobe, for christ's sake. that's what they do best. -15pts

ROCKSTAR (the other ones) -- rockstar carries a few other flavors since their first attempt, energy * juice, energy * guava, and pomegranate (i'm drinking the latter as we speak.) they come in an orange, purple, and red can respectively. much MUCH better than it's predecessor. all the kick-ass energy of rockstar without the taste that makes you want to hold a lighter to your tongue. +450pts


Runner up

ROCKSTAR, zero-carb -- this drink is super-awesome, fantastic, rad. it's better than a night of wine, pizza rolls, twinkies, a candlelit bath and incredible sex. it tastes like raspberry (and looks like it, as it's this dark pink color.) it's in a big, blue can that you can't miss, and comes in the MEGA MEGA can of like 84 ounces that has a heavy duty aluminum lid that looks like it should have STP inside. i had one the other night (the wee 16 oz one) at about 3pm, and I was up until 1am (for reference, i have taken a three hour nap shortly after finishing a red bull.) this drink will make your friends think you're a cokehead and will caress your taste buds at the same time. don't plan on sleeping for 21 hours afterward. actually, toss back a zero-carb, and you could probably handle a date with me, complete with wine, pizza rolls, twinkies, a candlelit bath and a night of incredible sex. +2,531.7pts



GLACEAU VITAMIN ENERGY -- comes in three flavors, fruit punch, dragonfruit and citrus. super amazingly tasty, and they each have a neat little story on the side of each can. in fact, if you're winding down and not in the caffeine mood, tip back a glaceau vitamin water -- also very tasty in multiple flavors and with the same amusing stories. i'm not a fan of the fruit punch, but the other two are rad. you don't have to take your one-a-day while drinking this beverage as, like the name, the vitamins are already inside. it gives you pretty long-lasting energy, though not a severe a rush as the others, which is it's con (also, no sugar free.) best tasting, and it comes with entertainment. plus, shaq, kelly clarkson and 50-cent drink them, so there's that. i'm not altogether sure that shaq doesn't drink urine, though. someone should give him a monster. +3,015,000pts


okay, there you go. if i get any follow up stats, i will pass them along. in the meantime, get the hell up from your computer, go get something to drink, and do something fucking productive already.

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