Friday, November 14, 2008

the benadryl rant

why have i never rambled on benadryl before now? brilliant idea. fucking diabolical.

"i was allergic when i wrote this, forgive me if.." well, you know.

i can't stand one more commercial about infants that can miraculously read through some fantastic breakthrough method that costs three easy payments. great, your kid is a genius. nobody cares but you. keep it the fuck away from me and stop it from crying in target.

debra messing is not hot. in fact, she's a man. how is it that she always has this perfect onscreen romance, and yet she probably has a cock? why is she so lucky? i don't have a penis. and my hair is naturally red. oh, and i can act. i have a degree that says so.

and fuck, all the goddamn hanson boys are married now. yet i remain single. and i ran into a guy the other day who, after after having chatted me up while i had a beer at my neighborhood sushi bar said, "if i would have thought you were straight, i would have asked you out." so i'm an obvious lesbian now? how do i correct that? the attitude ain't going anywhere, nor are the tattoos. my hair can only grow so fast, and i'm sorry i live in the gay 'hood. and hey, guy? if i thought you were straight, i would laugh and point about how you'll never know the joy of sleeping with someone half as hot as i am.

NOBODY CARES what new tattoos angelina jolie has and what they mean. NOBODY CARES about posh's new haircut or who got ousted on dancing with the stars. and NOBODY CARES who is on the OC, or the HILLS, or who will be paris' new BFF. well, wait - somebody cares. but i will punch anyone i know who falls into that category.

speaking of vacant trash, has anyone actually watched the pick up artist on mtv? my life is pathetic and rotten at times, but i don't need some sleazy jackass with long hair who wears a velour tophat to tell me so through an earpiece. that show is proof that the end is near.

and now, for the upside.. wait, do i have one?

i spent some time with a boy who lives in a frostier clime recently. he gave me a cd that was in his freezer (still not sure why). but on my journey north to my first post-layoff interview today, i put it in my cd player and track one made me cry. not because of him, or because of it, but just because. well maybe it was due to both. or neither. or everything in my life altogether right now. and i guess if you're having one of those moments, i say pull kings of leon out of your freezer, insert into cd player and drive somewhere..

i want my mac back. and i want an iphone. i mean, i don't even want a pony for christ's sake. really. i just want a job, or at least to know that money will come at some point before i get evicted.

better, i want to know that things will be okay.

to be fair, the benadryl is helping there..


KJT said...

Thou shalt not speak ill of PARIS, and her new BFF...
OK, I could barely type that w/out chuckling.

And I couldn't agree more, about the f'ing KINGS OF LEON, having been introduced to this fine band a mere four months ago, I still, to this day, kick myself for not having picked up on them WAY earlier. They, in a word, rock. My, I'm going over my quota, of, commas for one post. It's the Jameson. Damned Irissssh scoundrels. Anyways, KoL kill it. I now have all their CDs (well, downloads - which doesn't sound nearly as cool) and love every 'album' (can we still call them that?)
Jesus, it's like the whisky has taken over my fingers. Can't. Stop. Typing. Anyone ever read the Stephan King short story, "I Am The Doorway" from 'Night Shift'? That's kind of how I'm feeling right now... like I'm not even in control of the keyboard. Whoa. Maybe I'll just put the computer down. Pick up the glass. And saunter over to the couch. Nothing to see here. Move along.

At least I quite using so many commas...

Anonymous said...

I just ordered a book called "The Game", written by an investigative journalist that went on safari so to speak in the pick up artist community. It sounds interesting in a chicken on fire kind of way. I'll let you borrow it.

cae said...

I had to look up "Debra Messing" on google. Should I be proud?

Rita said...

Ugh. I am so bored and your blog reminds me how fun you are to hang out with. Even if you're all melancholy. You had better give me some Sharon time when you're in town!!!

PJ said...

I agree with Rita on both points (you=fun and my need to see you in 3D when you come back to the mountain time zone).

May Love Hold Us said...

Money will come before you get evicted. Everything works out the way it's supposed to.

I found Raspberry Lambic in Vegas and drank it in your honor.

Hope I get to see you while you're here...