Monday, October 27, 2008


i went to sunset cliffs last night. i sat in the cold and listened to how menacing and deafening the waves sound at night. the ocean seems more of a monster when all you can see are the frothy, white crests of the waves.

today was productive, but not exciting. a few moments ago, i sat and watched lost in translation and had a few fat tires in homage to my hometown. the movie, and the last week of my life, swelled all into a few disjointed thoughts. and i thought back to earlier today when i heard from a previous coworker that i'd be moving out of state. and i remind myself of why i'm solitary. nobody knows what i am, how i feel, or what i'm doing. and it makes me want to shove anyone who gets near me.

i'm angry, and apathetic. everybody seems to know what's in store for me but me. judgment, assumption, idle gossip. and all i really want to do is walk up to a stranger on the street and find out about them, hoping there are people in the world that still have something. and another part of me wants to wade out into the water and float there, falling asleep, dissolving into the water.

i got a nice text message. the air through my open door is crisp and cool. and the alcohol in my bloodstream has my cheeks warm and wet. fighting the urge to do anything else, i'll sit here in the dark and enjoy my own silence.


cae said...

The ocean doesn't want me today
But I'll be back tomorrow to play
And the stranglers will take me
Down deep in their brine
The mischievous braingels
Down into the endless blue wine
I'll open my head and let out
All of my time
I'd love to go drowning
And to stay and to stay
But the ocean doesn't want me today
I'll go in up to here
It can't possibly hurt
All they will find is my beer
And my shirt
A rip tide is raging
And the life guard is away
But the ocean doesn't want me today
The ocean doesn't want me today

KJT said...

Language has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone, and the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.
(Paul Tillich)

I've often found myself lonely in the midst of crowded humanity, but solitude, that first cup of coffee in the early morning as the sun breaks, that last glass of scotch in the backyard as the moon rises, the afternoon spent with the rain lashing the windows... those are moments of true bliss.

Here's wishing you solitude, not loneliness...

The cliffs at night sounded achingly beautiful.