Tuesday, March 31, 2009

American Beauty

Things happen exactly as they are supposed to.

I often forget that.

I tried to watch American Beauty years ago, getting to the almost-end, just as Mena Suvari tells Kevin Spacey that this would be her first time, and he wraps her in a blanket.

I can't remember why, but at the time, the movie was turned off and I never got to see the end. And I knew Kevin Spacey would die, I just didn't know why. Or how.

Several years back, I dated a guy that listed this among his favorite movies. But, despite my asking, we never watched it together, and we broke up a short time later.

It would never have occurred to me that I wasn't supposed to see the end. Not either of those times, anyway.

I tried to watch it twice today, once this morning, the second this afternoon. However, the DVD on my computer wasn't playing along with me. So I went about my day, and finally cozied up with a martini and a leather chair this evening in front of the flat screen in my house and watched it in its entirety.

And now, I'm sitting here with tear-stained cheeks and vodka and olive juice on my tongue, and I understand why the universe didn't let me see the end until now. I don't think I was ready.

Its impact was significant, and I think that has a lot to do with where I am in my life right now.

I've never been married, I don't have kids. I don't have a house of my own, or a well-paying job. Most of the relationships I've had in the last 5 years have been an absolute disaster, because I can't seem to find myself attracted to the ones that matter. I'm almost 35, and I have no real social life to speak of - partly due to the fact that I prefer to be solitary, but also because I forgot how to be how other people think I should be.

I should be lonely, I should be lost. And for a long time, I was. But I don't feel any of those things now. I love that I'm here, and I love what I've become. It certainly isn't where I expected to be at this age, but I admit that I don't envy the things I don't have. I'm working on myself now, and I can't say that I've loved myself as much as I have these last weeks. I've found that surrounding yourself with people and things often distract you from feeling things and discovering yourself. And, though I didn't ask for it, that's where I've been for the last years. And it feels really, really nice.

I don't know if martinis replenish tears, but I'm having another anyway.

Thank you for reading, and I hope there is happiness for you to uncover as well...


Aaron said...

Amazing as always. American Beauty is a great movie and the swerve at the end even made this cynic gasp and say holy shit.

PS I really want to hate Kevin Spacey not hitting that like Mike Tyson....but he did the right thing.

I hate myself now.

cae said...

You startled me with some similarities to myself, here - the solitary nature, the acceptance of your situation as not only workable but welcome, the interest in self-discovery (narcissism?).

I'm amazed you only just saw American Beauty all of the way through for the first time - and a little bit jealous.

Maybe I should revisit it yet again - this time with a martini?

I could watch that buffeted bag forever - but that's just me.

KJT said...

Much love being sent your way from Seattle. Thanks for making my Wednesday morning. You rock.

Billy said...

That was beautiful Sharon : ) I'm finding myself in the same situation, only it's for the first time in my life. Being alone/single/solitary can be scary and isolating sometimes, but I'm just beginning to taste the possibilities of being completely at peace with myself, and not needing a relationship. I'm working on myself too, and it feels extremely empowering. I know that I'm going to be stronger, just as I know that you are a stronger person for the life you are leading ; )

And, American Beauty is one of my favorite movies, I saw it when it first came out and I have watched it a few times on dvd, it's an unforgettable film.

You are the Ballz Sharon!!!

Jennifer said...

Your insight is always spot-on, and I love it when you wax philosophical. :)
Your line about how you forget how you should be or what people expect you to be...I say fuck what people think you should be. There is no one else like you in the world; the world is a better place because you, the unique, special you, is in it, and you would be depriving the world of something very special if you tried to make yourself "what other people think you should be." Who are these other people, anyway? If they don't love you just exactly the way you are, then you don't need them.
I envy you your solitude some days, and if you ever wanted to trade lifestyles with me for a week or two to get rid of the "grass is greener" syndrome, be my guest. :) All I can say is, solitude is something that is hard to appreciate until it is ripped from you.
You are in a unique position: you can make your life whatever you want it to be. If you truly want to find someone to share your life with, then you will, because the universe will sense that you're ready and will send you the right person. If, however, you decide that you are fine on your own and relish your independence and freedom, then that is what you can have too. You're in the very best place right now: old enough to appreciate what you have, and young enough to have opportunity spread out before you like a feast.
I love you!

Anonymous said...

Wow, Jennifer's comments were spot on and all I can say is ditto to that! I love her last line!

I am so happy that you are in a peaceful happy state right now. You are so freakin' awesome I can't stand it and I am thrilled to know that you are finally realizing how amazing you are and are enjoying your life.

Most of us dream of having an ounce of "you" in us....and never get it. (Me included) That's why I miss being able to see you and hang out with you because you share it with those closest to you...but it's not ours to hold - it's yours. all yours.

luv and hugs!

Nikkilicious said...

I love you as you are Sharon- I have said that a million times over and will continue to (as long as your hair is red. Once it's white we will discuss this ;o) *joke* Anyway, Eithr way that movie was the most interesting thing wasn't it. However comma I think it is when we ARE alone we do get to know EXACTLY who we are and we don't settle for any old bullshit the average "married, 30, 2.5 kids, the ugly dog called too-too and white flippin picket fence. " fuck it. Love and live your life. Miss you mama!P.s. rennid had to be typed this time- WTFEEZY???

Dave G said...

its fascinating as I delve deeper into FB and find things like 'oh... Sharon has a blog' so f-ing crazy to see where we all are now. sentimental to read your thoughts..... word up girl