lately, i can't even wake up for work on time. yet on saturday and sunday, when i should be sleeping in, i'm awake at 6. or 8.
so i ate a donut and am drinking a coke zero, and i figured i'd sit down and type.
i've been thinking a lot lately about choices. particularly the bad choices i've made, and oddly, i'm really okay with a lot of them.
i have brilliant girlfriends. i don't like girls very much. but the few girls i do have at my side (if only figuratively) are incredibly amazing, and i wouldn't give them up for anything. well, i might consider it if steph and becca keep not reading my blogs. okay, no. jokes. only jokes.
probably a little over a year ago, i spoke to my guru and success coach sunny. and i was freaked out about getting older while everyone i knew was married or with kids, and i was regretting all the idiot men i had dated. i was wasting time when i could have been out searching for the man of my dreams. what if i missed him? what if he was there, but i didn't know because i was too devoid of self esteem that i let myself date some arrogant prick with a guitar, who was the only one that thought the world of himself? i missed my destiny, and now i'll never be happy. i'll spend the rest of my life alone, muttering to myself, drinking redbull and rocking back and forth maniacally on my bedroom floor.
i was then lectured on the error in my thoughts, and it's one of the many things i think of when i feel like i've wasted something - time, love, energy (that sunny, she's rad. she should start an advice column for crazy tattooed women with emotional problems.)
she explained to me that by dating the liar, the idiot, the pushover - those events allow me to get to the good stuff. they are stepping stones, and without going through them and learning from my mistakes, i will never get to where i'm supposed to be. they are chapters necessary to the story, and if i skipped them, that is when i would be missing something.
it's like the less pleasant things in our lives are the dress rehearsals for the big show. that way, when the curtain opens, we've been through it before and can avoid the pitfalls that we know from experience. we have practice boyfriends, practice jobs, practice experiences. and without practicing, we would never reach the real thing.
i have a piece of paper that i carry around that is a portion from an email written by another of my precious girlfriends, heidi (it should be noted that most of the girls in my life that have provided me with guidance, support, and words of wisdom are all virgos like me: heidi, sunny, amanda, nicole..) and heidi has this to say:
'sometimes letting go of something kinda good allows up to find something really spectacular. whatever you do, don't settle. if he can never put you on top of his list, or devote more of his time and energy to you, and that's a non-negotiable item for you, then you have to let him go. if it's something you can live with without it being disruptive to your self esteem and self confidence, then try and give it a shot. just please don't sell yourself short. you are way too amazing and incredible for that.'
this doesn't apply to just me. and if you find something in it that you can be guided by, print it out and put it somewhere where you can see it. i'll talk with heidi about copyright infringement issues, but i imagine she'll be okay with it.
the point is this: as long as you are following your heart, your head, your intuition (i'll blog the most terrifying moment of my life later, and we can revisit intuition) then you're not wasting time. you're taking the necessary steps to get to the next phase of your life. then again, if you think you're wasting time because deep down you know you're not doing what you feel like you should be doing, then reassess. even better, let me know and i'll give you my girls' phone numbers. heidi's on the east coast so there's a time-zone issue, steph doesn't like to be called when she's sleeping (and for that matter will bitch at you if you get her an "admiral nelson" and coke instead of captain even if it is cheaper), becca works at night, rita is always available when she's not in class, amanda rarely answers her phone, nicole has little time between her fantastic hairdressing prowess and her own blogs, and sunny has to fit you in somewhere between her husband dave, who gets a lot of lecture time, and her adorable kid. but i promise if you need something, at least one of them will be around. i think if they were all available at once, the planets would align and we would never have any problems ever again. but this is not a perfect world, and let's face it, my beautiful girls have things to do, people to see, crimes to solve, and their own lives to run. and they aren't wasting any time either.