who’s cheatin’ who?

there was a bit of an odd scenario that started this discussion into fidelity. these events are true.

recently, a girl went out with friends. at the beginning of the night, the girls met a group of guys (who outnumbered the girls by double) and they all ended up talking and drinking and flirting.

pretty early on, this girl was approached by the most confident man of the bunch. this guy boxed out any of the other men, and more or less "verbally pissed on" our heroine (thanks to sunny for that phrase, which usually entails someone claiming someone else in a social situation either verbally, physically, or both.)

over the course of the evening, the guy made graphic suggestions aloud to the girl about what he was going to do to her, in no uncertain terms. the flirting continued. he bought her drinks. the night progressed, and it was time to leave. she got into his car and they drove back to his place.

he reminded her in detail, in case she forgot, exactly what was going to happen once they got back to the house. the subject of safety came up, and the guy admitted there weren't any condoms at his house. she let him know that if he was expecting anything, that he had better stop and make a convenience store purchase, which he was more than happy to do, and went out of his way to do it. she knew from the beginning of the night where things were going, and she was okay with it.

the flirting got a little more involved, and they arrived home. he made sure to check with her, and let her know that what was to follow was only that and would be nothing more, which she was aware of. and over the course of the next hour or two, things progressed as you might imagine. there was a decent amount of foreplay, including oral sex, and sex followed.

just as things were reaching finality, he stopped. his face became grave. she asked him if everything was okay. after a few moments of constructing his thoughts, he told her that there was someone special in his life. he couldn't "do this".

caught very off guard, she asked him if he was serious, and indeed he was. her first thought was, "you can't do this? you've already DONE this."

respecting his wishes, she dressed and gathered her things and left.

when the story was retold a few days later among girlfriends, many questions arose (after the amusement died down, that is.) did this guy consider having sex with another woman completion? he wasn't around to interview, but we had to try and guess what he had been thinking. we all agreed that it would have been appropriate to put a halt to things before leaving the bar, right before condoms were purchased, once they got home and started kissing, or even right before or after oral sex . it may have even been appropriate at the outset of sex, but none of that happened. in fact, she had no idea there was another woman in the picture or that there was any apprehension at all. in fact, the whole night was a prelude to this event that she invited and went along with, but she certainly was never in the driver's seat for.

my question to you is, did this guy really think that it made a difference whether he came or not? on what planet does that solidify that sex occurred? he was only hurting himself to not take the final minute or two to complete the act, but for whatever reason, that minute made all the difference to him.

we debated a little further, and found that, according to one of the girls, that some men didn't consider it sex if there was no completion (in which case, many of the women i know could say they never had sex with most of their previous boyfriends.) also, some men thought that oral sex, either the gift or receipt, was not considered sex.

clearly, cheating on someone without involving sex is significant. but when sex is involved in infidelity, the stakes increase tenfold.

is oral sex considered sex? have you engaged in the act of sex after penetration occurs? if not then, when?

these and many other questions surfaced throughout the afternoon. all girls present pretty much agreed that cheating encompasses anything you would hide from a boyfriend/girlfriend, regardless of whether there is any physical contact. but obviously not everyone in the universe agrees with that.

so what actually consitutues cheating? for that matter, what constitutes sex?

prelude to a blog..

before i write my next blog, i want you all to be thinking about something. don't respond with your thoughts now, just let it roll around your brain for a few days:

what constitutes cheating?

i realize the jury will be out for a while on this one, as people vary. genders vary also.

some people also have standards of cheating that are different from their partner's, which creates a tough spot. what have people you've dated/married think cheating is? do you agree? look back at events in your life that involve fidelity. where is the line drawn?

several years back, there was an awful movie with tom cruise and nicole kidman called, "eyes wide shut." it was unanimous the world over that this movie sucked. i, however, liked it quite a bit. i believe the reason for this is that i got something out of it that many people who just wanted to see a celebrity husband and wife have passionate sex didn't get (which, by the way, didn't happen.)

my take on the movie was the exact debate we are about to embark on. the movie touches on a couple, one of whom fantasizes about someone else they deeply want, and the other has sex with a hooker out of spite even though they didn't ever consider it before. it presented the question, "is it cheating if you want to sleep with someone, even if you don't do it?"

this is interesting to me. if i'm dating someone, and i constantly have sexual thoughts about somebody else, and picture myself with them often, is that being unfaithful? or if i spent a lot of time with this somebody else and developed feelings for them but never acted on them, can you call that cheating?

some would say yes. but then someone might say having fantasies about killing someone is okay as long as you don't act on it, right? can you even make a comparison between the two?

so, get to thinking and we'll talk about this in a few days. think about what you would consider a rift in fidelity, and what other people you know or have known thought. does that line vary based on the person who does it? or are those standards the same for whomever you date?

on a not completely different note, i emailed a new friend earlier today, and viagra came up. i had an epiphany. i have a brilliant idea to make a great product out of an existing very good product. much like heated lubricant, say. or silent velcro. i'm patenting this here and now, so don't any of you bitches try to steal it:

"Viagra, now available with caffeine! Just because you're "up", doesn't mean you're awake!"

i'm going to make a jillion billion dollars.

..to be continued..

god bless PB

amanda dragged me out drinking last night. well, not dragged, exactly. she asked if i would accompany her to a bar to meet a friend of hers from work and his friend (i'm the single, rowdy girlfriend that my girls are like, "i can't go alone. will you go with me?" and i do.)

the rub was that we had to go to PB. *shudder*

neither of us were fans of PB. however, from the first bar we walked into, with a beefy doorman reading a novel, to the late-night ride home, it was a success.

one of the bars that we went to had "go postal" night.

everyone was issued a number on the way in that they were to wear around, business mixer-style. if you liked someone that you saw (and you happen to be devoid of any social skills and are incapable of starting a conversation with a stranger on your own), you would scope out their number, and proceed to the number board at the front of the bar. you'd put their number on a notecard, followed by whatever message you wanted to relay. it would then be placed in a small envelope with their number on the outside and hung up on the board for the recipient to claim.

i thought this idea was super gay. until i had a few cocktails and decided to leave a note for some guy gently explaining that turning up your collar was no longer in fashion, and he was never going to get laid down the road he was currently on (leave it to me to use the system for alternate purposes.) the game got infinitely more amusing proportionate to alcohol consumption.

fun was had by all, i think. i'm almost considering going back to PB, which clearly means that i'm either suffering from dementia or still drunk. either is possible.